Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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