For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
