you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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