I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
