handjob tips. give me some.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
