I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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