I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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