Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize