Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
