I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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