i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize