How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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