when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just cut my nipple shaving
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
