I think I died a long time ago.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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