i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
