I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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