My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
