hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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