On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm passing your future prison.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
