Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize