I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
