I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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