also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
