I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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