Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
