found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
