Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
