Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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