Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
