4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
