did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
