My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
