If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
