Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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