if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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