My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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