a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
