bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
drinking out of a sandbucket again
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize