New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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