opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
