remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
