Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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