apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
