Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
