Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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