how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
