she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
