he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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