when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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