apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, beer. Big fan.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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