News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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