I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
