I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize