at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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