He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
