i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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