if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
