a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
