I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
