i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
