what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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