the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
