Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
