I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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