mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
