I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
