my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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