he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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