I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
